May 2010 just wasn't a great month for me. I went from being a happy, healthy (albeit a bit overweight), active 51 year old woman to being a cancer patient. And not just one, but two different cancers...in different places....but at the same time. Lung cancer, left lung. Workup for lung surgery showed breast cancer --also left side.
Not all my blog posts will be this serious. I've got some fun and some serious stories I'd like to share. These next few weeks I will finally have time to write them down.
The morning of Friday April 30, the day of the chest x-ray that started all this, I behaved badly. Hubby David has so much more vacation time stored up than I do...I was feeling jealous. I was feeling overwhelmed at work. My right arm had been hurting for months David was getting in all this time on the bike, and I wasn't. He'd had some really good rides, some real distances and was rightfully proud of it and excited about riding. I said some not-so-nice things to him that morning.
Did the chest x-ray after getting to work, then saw my patients. Later that afternoon, I read the x-ray report: a 3.5cm mass in the left lung. Suddenly, my pettiness of that morning seemed pathetically out of place.
May was a whirlwind of tests, imaging, biopsies, bronchoscopies and doctor appointments. Tomorrow, I go in for surgery to remove part of, if not all of my left lung. Kinda makes missing a few bike rides seem like nothing to worry about.
I've been griping and moaning for months about not having any time to really read a book...or write anything. I read 2 pages at night and I'm asleep. After this surgery, I have to be off work for 4 to 6 weeks. I'm going to have scads of time to read, right, sleep, talk on the phone, FB, blog....whatever.
I've never had a major surgery. In 2005, my deviated septum was fixed -- outpatient surgery. The NEXT DAY I was out riding my bicycle and did 30 miles. If I'm going to feel miserable, better on the bike that sitting around home.
Don't that will be the case this time. The old bod's going to have to adjust to less lung, less oxygenation...they say that over time the body adapts. I know about liver disease...lungs are not my thing. I am very uncertain what to expect. My heart and breathing tests came out better than expected for a woman my age. Hopefully, I'll adapt quickly.
What if this cancer diagnosis is actually a GIFT? The Lord is already working on me and in the lives of those around me. How is He going to use this experience to shape me, to change me...so that I can serve Him better? I've seen Him use really ugly circumstances for my good--- He got me through, and led me to use those experiences for growth and good. Why should this be any different?
I must follow my own advice to my patients: no, you will never be the same, your health will never be what is was 20 years ago. Your life will change. It will be different, but it can still be good. Finding a new "normal" can be difficult.
I pray that I have the grace to find and accept my new normal, and the strength and grace to make it as good as it can possibly be...to joyfully serve the Lord with my husband for the time we are given.
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