This time last year I wasn't so sure that I would be around for another Christmas. I'm sicker this year than I was this time last year, but I'm still here, still kicking, still not giving up.
I'm really excited about getting to play the harp with the worship band at church. Playing the right music for the right reason in the right venue. We have three Christmas Eve services, and after the last, we are having whoever wants to come over-- over to the house for traditional German Christmas goodies.
For Christmas morning, we're bringing back an old tradition of mine: the Christmas Morning Cozy open house. Started back in the early 80s when I was single and living in a condo complex with a lot of other singles. One year I just invited everyone in the complex to come over Christmas morning for breakfast. I made my grandmother's pecan rolls, had German stollen, fruit, coffee, cocoa..it was great. People wandered over between 9 and 1pm - some dressed, some still in their PJs. It was great.
Greatest blessing this year was having my nephew James, his wife Patti and their step daughter Maggie here from Norfolk, VA. James has been career Navy for about 16 years. The last time we were together at Christmas time was 2002. He was stationed out in Seattle, for one, and was usually out at sea as Chief of one of boomer subs. So between all that, my work / school schedule it was impossible to get everyone together. In 2002 we met in St Louis for a few days of fun in December. That was the last December I had seen him.
Today was another medical adventure- had another EGD. Good news: the esophageal ulcer has healed up pretty well, and is now mostly just inflammation. The stricture was back, which I knew by the feel of it, and Dr K dilated it. I should get a few months of comfort out of today's procedure.
They have scheduled me for a port placement on January 5th. My next chemo is scheduled for Jan 3. Don't know weather they'll delay the chemo, or if they can do a US peripheral IV placement for the chemo and keep it on the 3rd.
I'm just hoping to hear about when they PET scan will scheduled. I'm hopeful that the chemo has had some controlling effect on the metastases.
I have pain in my back that is reasonably contolled with my medications. It's just weird to feel the pain knowing that it's cancer. It just went so fast --- so much faster and further than anyone expected. It's everywhere. Can it be reined in so that I can have some more time?
I trust the Lord to be using my cancer and my experiences for my own good and His glory...and for the good of countless others in ways that I may never know. I am unable to practice my profession right now-- and I have to trust that the Lord will show me how I can still serve Him and others...maybe in ways I haven't yet considered!!
I'm enjoying hanging out with my sister, her husband, David, the pups,....baking goodies and just enjoying their company....thank you Lord for my family and friends. I pray for continued strength for the next round of chemo: what I need for each day, dear Lord as you have promised.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Chemo day round # 3
Happy Birthday to me. The big 53 today--- the day after my third cycle of docataxel and carboplatin.
Those of you that know me personally would confirm that I am not a whuss who shrinks and cowers in the presence of pain or discomfort. I can honestly say that the post op surgical pain was easier than the chemo---- I understand it and it makes more sense to me. Everyone is different and will have different responses and different side effect issues.
For me, I become nausea for 10 days. Reading for pleasure becomes difficult because it feels like all the brain wires are crossed. "Fatigue" hardly begins the bone and mind numbing paralysis of spirit that I experience on this stuff.
The scariest parts are the emotional / psychological / spiritual aspects. I understand situational anxiety, grief, garden variety depression....but the feelin of being in a very deep, dark pit, totally disconnected from God and family.....undescribable. I must just repeat over and over to myself --- this too will pass. 10 bad days, then return to weakness and fatigue.
Today is day 3. Feeling rotten already. The point of this blog is not to just get on here and complain about how awful I feel, but to rejoice also in what the Lord is doing in my life and in the lives of others around me through this cancer dance.
So-- right now we are hoping that the chemo is keeping the mets reined in, and that we can buy some time for me with the chemo. As long as I can tolerate it. I am blessed with a wonderful Savior, husband, family, friends, church family, co-workers and canine companions that are with me every step of the journey. I am surrounded by love. How can I complain? Why NOT me?
Those of you that know me personally would confirm that I am not a whuss who shrinks and cowers in the presence of pain or discomfort. I can honestly say that the post op surgical pain was easier than the chemo---- I understand it and it makes more sense to me. Everyone is different and will have different responses and different side effect issues.
For me, I become nausea for 10 days. Reading for pleasure becomes difficult because it feels like all the brain wires are crossed. "Fatigue" hardly begins the bone and mind numbing paralysis of spirit that I experience on this stuff.
The scariest parts are the emotional / psychological / spiritual aspects. I understand situational anxiety, grief, garden variety depression....but the feelin of being in a very deep, dark pit, totally disconnected from God and family.....undescribable. I must just repeat over and over to myself --- this too will pass. 10 bad days, then return to weakness and fatigue.
Today is day 3. Feeling rotten already. The point of this blog is not to just get on here and complain about how awful I feel, but to rejoice also in what the Lord is doing in my life and in the lives of others around me through this cancer dance.
So-- right now we are hoping that the chemo is keeping the mets reined in, and that we can buy some time for me with the chemo. As long as I can tolerate it. I am blessed with a wonderful Savior, husband, family, friends, church family, co-workers and canine companions that are with me every step of the journey. I am surrounded by love. How can I complain? Why NOT me?
Monday, October 3, 2011
Miracle grow -- for a tumor?
I was tottering along fairly well during 2011: the Tarceva was keeping the lung cancer in check, and the Tamoxifen seemed to be doing it's job of keeping the little tumor in my left breast under control. (E/P +)
Around the end of June I started to feel a bit of tenderness in that tumor. I was a little concerned, so set up appt to see the breast medical oncologist NP. She examined me, and immediately sent me downstairs for a mammogram and ultrasound. Lo and behold, there were now 6 tumors in that breast, and 3 of 4 axillary lymph nodes looked "hot".
My BRCA (breast cancer) had progressed while I was on Tamoxifen. Not good. Switched me to Arimidex. After a few weeks on that, the tumor continued to be sore. The skin looked bruised. Another clinic visit--might be inflammatory changes associated with the new med. OK - sounded reasonable to me. I had been reading up on this stuff.
Early in September, it seemed that someone had sprinkled "Miracle Grow" on that left breast tumor. It went from zero to 60 in 1.8 seconds. I have the strange noteriety of being in the club of women who "fail" 2, count them, 2 medications that should have worked.
I had never been terribley concerned about the BRCA because, 1.) it was small, 2.) no one seemed terribly concerned, and 3.) there are lots of treatment options for BRCA.
I did not obsessively check the breast. You know how easy it can be to worry yourself sick obsessing over every litle thing.
Fast forward to Sept 14. Lung mets to spleen look good and stable. Tiny spot on the liver.
Additional breast imaging showed progression. I was set on getting the tumor out surgically. It hurt!
I had a sinus infection in early September and never bounced back. I felt sick. I felt like I had been dipped in lead. Doing anything required immense effort. Work was taking every bit of energy I had.
So-- because of the ridiculously fast progression of the BRCA, they decided to do a PET scan to check bones and tissues for metastases.
Ding, ding, ding! I hit the jackpot! PET scan 9/21. Our wedding anniversary 9/22 (our 4th). We went to White Castle for dinner and my phone rang as we pulled into the driveway.
I have spinal mets in cervical, thoracic and lumbar spine. Mets in left ribs and sternum (breastbone). Pelvis. Liver. As I listened to this report, I thought my world had caved in on my head.
We sat there in the driveway, trying to get our heads wrapped around what I had just been told.
God is good, even when we don't understand His actions.
So, September 28 I had a modified radical left mastectomy. I've never been a terribly vain person. I think it's crazy for an otherwise healthy person to spend thousands of dollars on breast implants or cosmetic surgery. I know that for some women breast reconstruction may be what they want to do. OK. I do NOT understand being unwilling to undergo mastectomy at the risk of one's life....all to save a booby. I am not my breasts...oops...breast. I am not defined by the amount of mammary gland tissue attached to my chest.
The post op pain is substantial. I can't drive or use my arm. This is no cure~~ we plan on starting chemo in about a month. I hope to get in some good time with my family, friends and pets.
Around the end of June I started to feel a bit of tenderness in that tumor. I was a little concerned, so set up appt to see the breast medical oncologist NP. She examined me, and immediately sent me downstairs for a mammogram and ultrasound. Lo and behold, there were now 6 tumors in that breast, and 3 of 4 axillary lymph nodes looked "hot".
My BRCA (breast cancer) had progressed while I was on Tamoxifen. Not good. Switched me to Arimidex. After a few weeks on that, the tumor continued to be sore. The skin looked bruised. Another clinic visit--might be inflammatory changes associated with the new med. OK - sounded reasonable to me. I had been reading up on this stuff.
Early in September, it seemed that someone had sprinkled "Miracle Grow" on that left breast tumor. It went from zero to 60 in 1.8 seconds. I have the strange noteriety of being in the club of women who "fail" 2, count them, 2 medications that should have worked.
I had never been terribley concerned about the BRCA because, 1.) it was small, 2.) no one seemed terribly concerned, and 3.) there are lots of treatment options for BRCA.
I did not obsessively check the breast. You know how easy it can be to worry yourself sick obsessing over every litle thing.
Fast forward to Sept 14. Lung mets to spleen look good and stable. Tiny spot on the liver.
Additional breast imaging showed progression. I was set on getting the tumor out surgically. It hurt!
I had a sinus infection in early September and never bounced back. I felt sick. I felt like I had been dipped in lead. Doing anything required immense effort. Work was taking every bit of energy I had.
So-- because of the ridiculously fast progression of the BRCA, they decided to do a PET scan to check bones and tissues for metastases.
Ding, ding, ding! I hit the jackpot! PET scan 9/21. Our wedding anniversary 9/22 (our 4th). We went to White Castle for dinner and my phone rang as we pulled into the driveway.
I have spinal mets in cervical, thoracic and lumbar spine. Mets in left ribs and sternum (breastbone). Pelvis. Liver. As I listened to this report, I thought my world had caved in on my head.
We sat there in the driveway, trying to get our heads wrapped around what I had just been told.
God is good, even when we don't understand His actions.
So, September 28 I had a modified radical left mastectomy. I've never been a terribly vain person. I think it's crazy for an otherwise healthy person to spend thousands of dollars on breast implants or cosmetic surgery. I know that for some women breast reconstruction may be what they want to do. OK. I do NOT understand being unwilling to undergo mastectomy at the risk of one's life....all to save a booby. I am not my breasts...oops...breast. I am not defined by the amount of mammary gland tissue attached to my chest.
The post op pain is substantial. I can't drive or use my arm. This is no cure~~ we plan on starting chemo in about a month. I hope to get in some good time with my family, friends and pets.
So much for blogging....
I see I haven't written anything in quite a while. Not that I didn't want to, but it seemed like my posts were getting to be more and more about how bad I was feeling, or just repetition.
Things have changed since November. I think it's time to bring some humor into this crazy mess called " my health".
Things have changed since November. I think it's time to bring some humor into this crazy mess called " my health".
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