Getting ready for Christmas

This time last year I wasn't so sure that I would be around for another Christmas. I'm sicker this year than I was this time last year, but I'm still here, still kicking, still not giving up.

I'm really excited about getting to play the harp with the worship band at church. Playing the right music for the right reason in the right venue. We have three Christmas Eve services, and after the last, we are having whoever wants to come over-- over to the house for traditional German Christmas goodies.

For Christmas morning, we're bringing back an old tradition of mine: the Christmas Morning Cozy open house. Started back in the early 80s when I was single and living in a condo complex with a lot of other singles. One year I just invited everyone in the complex to come over Christmas morning for breakfast. I made my grandmother's pecan rolls, had German stollen, fruit, coffee, cocoa..it was great. People wandered over between 9 and 1pm - some dressed, some still in their PJs. It was great.

Greatest blessing this year was having my nephew James, his wife Patti and their step daughter Maggie here from Norfolk, VA. James has been career Navy for about 16 years. The last time we were together at Christmas time was 2002. He was stationed out in Seattle, for one, and was usually out at sea as Chief of one of boomer subs. So between all that, my work / school schedule it was impossible to get everyone together. In 2002 we met in St Louis for a few days of fun in December. That was the last December I had seen him.

Today was another medical adventure- had another EGD. Good news: the esophageal ulcer has healed up pretty well, and is now mostly just inflammation. The stricture was back, which I knew by the feel of it, and Dr K dilated it. I should get a few months of comfort out of today's procedure.

They have scheduled me for a port placement on January 5th. My next chemo is scheduled for Jan 3. Don't know weather they'll delay the chemo, or if they can do a US peripheral IV placement for the chemo and keep it on the 3rd.

I'm just hoping to hear about when they PET scan will scheduled. I'm hopeful that the chemo has had some controlling effect on the metastases.

I have pain in my back that is reasonably contolled with my medications. It's just weird to feel the pain knowing that it's cancer. It just went so fast --- so much faster and further than anyone expected. It's everywhere. Can it be reined in so that I can have some more time?

I trust the Lord to be using my cancer and my experiences for my own good and His glory...and for the good of countless others in ways that I may never know. I am unable to practice my profession right now-- and I have to trust that the Lord will show me how I can still serve Him and others...maybe in ways I haven't yet considered!!

I'm enjoying hanging out with my sister, her husband, David, the pups,....baking goodies and just enjoying their company....thank you Lord for my family and friends. I pray for continued strength for the next round of chemo: what I need for each day, dear Lord as you have promised.

Chemo day round # 3

Happy Birthday to me. The big 53 today--- the day after my third cycle of docataxel and carboplatin.

Those of you that know me personally would confirm that I am not a whuss who shrinks and cowers in the presence of pain or discomfort. I can honestly say that the post op surgical pain was easier than the chemo---- I understand it and it makes more sense to me. Everyone is different and will have different responses and different side effect issues.

For me, I become nausea for 10 days. Reading for pleasure becomes difficult because it feels like all the brain wires are crossed. "Fatigue" hardly begins the bone and mind numbing paralysis of spirit that I experience on this stuff.

The scariest parts are the emotional / psychological / spiritual aspects. I understand situational anxiety, grief, garden variety depression....but the feelin of being in a very deep, dark pit, totally disconnected from God and family.....undescribable. I must just repeat over and over to myself --- this too will pass. 10 bad days, then return to weakness and fatigue.

Today is day 3. Feeling rotten already. The point of this blog is not to just get on here and complain about how awful I feel, but to rejoice also in what the Lord is doing in my life and in the lives of others around me through this cancer dance.

So-- right now we are hoping that the chemo is keeping the mets reined in, and that we can buy some time for me with the chemo. As long as I can tolerate it. I am blessed with a wonderful Savior, husband, family, friends, church family, co-workers and canine companions that are with me every step of the journey. I am surrounded by love. How can I complain? Why NOT me?