I had a meltdown yesterday (Sunday July 4th), that lasted almost the whole day. I'm not proud of it; most of the time I've been fine since this whole thing with the cancer started. Yesterday was a shining example of a 51 year-old woman transformed into a cranky 3 year-old having a temper tantrum. Stamp the foot..."I don't want to be sick!!!!My whole life is xxxxed up!I don't want to be sick!!!" ....and so on.
Mixture of fatigue, not feeling well, menopause with a little depression thrown in? I make no excuses. It is somewhat shameful considering my great faith and the great support I've received from every corner of my life.
Anyone who has lived intimately with dogs understands the special relationship and unique communication that occurs between human and canine. What Jack and Duke did yesterday was extraordinary...and in 43 years of living with dogs, was something I had never experienced.
I was upset, in the shower crying. Got out, sat on the stool at the vanity. Sobbing with one lung is different than sobbing with two lungs. Sounds odd, but you'll have to take my word for it. Breathing effectively with one lung while sobbing is impossible.
The sounds I was making as I tried to get a breath were...disturbing, even to me, the sobber...a gasping, honking sort of sound. I was afraid I would pass out. I felt Duke's cold nose nudge my right arm and hip. Jack, standing beside him, barked sharply at me, once, twice, three times. He jumped and nipped firmly at my right arm, then barked again. Duke kept his head on my right thigh.
My utter astonishment at the dog's actions short circuited my sobbing jag. I was able to catch my breath and slow it down. As my breathing changed, Jack sat down, ears up, watching me intently, expectantly. "I'm OK boys, Mommy's OK. It's OK." The ears went back, and he jumped up to place his front feet on my right leg, rear end wagging. Duke lifted his head and gave me a sloppy, wet Pointer kiss.
Once I was "fine", their whole demeanor changed from one of concern and worry back to "happy as usual" morning ritual mode. This is not a dramatic case of saving someone's life, but Jack and Duke knew things weren't right with me, and they intervened. Wow.
My blessed husband had the most incredible insight later that afternoon. He realized that I had "stuff" that had to come out, and that I needed someone to push against to facilitate getting the job done. He sensed my anger. He knew that he was the one, the only one with the knowledge of me and my situation who had the authority and position to do it.
Anger is never pretty. It's all about not getting what we want, getting our way. I DO believe that the Lord is in charge, and that he has and will always work all things together for my good. But it's not about me getting my way...it's about His will for my life and dying to self. But as Christ prayed in the Garden of Gethsemene on the night he was betrayed, he said " My Father, if it is possible, take this cup from me....but not my will, but Yours be done." I am not angry with God, if that makes any sense.
I'm ashamed of my meltdown. I could not steer it. So I can only apologize to David, and vow to learn from it. We are emotional creatures, and emotion and intellect will get out of balance. I'm grieving, period. My prayer is that as I continue to grieve and come to terms with the physical changes associated with my illness, that I will do so graciously.
Dearest Pegi, you, of all people had the right to have the meltdown. God, of all people, will always understand us needing a meltdown from time to time, He made us, he knows our weaknesses and our wants and needs. He doesn't expect us to be strong always. As any parent He wants us to have faith and you and David have as great of a faith as anyone I've met. Do not be ashamed of being 'human'. Just know that your emotions are true and strong and deserve to be there with everything you're going through. Then move on and pray and stay strong to get through all of it. God won't leave you in times of meltdowns and apparently Dave won't either ;)
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