This post may be disturbing--just a warning up front. Tonight, I start taking Tarceva, the tyrosine-kinase inhibitor that we hope will get my metastatic lung cancer into remission. I'm praying that 1.)I can tolerate the side effects, 2.) it works, and 3.) they see a result soon....so the surgeon can go after my breast cancer.
I've given a lot of thought to my faith, my life and living and dying over the last few weeks. I've done a lot of soul searching in terms facing death within the next year --five years, maybe longer if I'm VERY lucky.
One guarantee that we all have in life is that we will one day die a physical death. How, when...not for us to know or decide. One "fear" I've always had was becoming old, infirm and having to go in a nursing home. Dementia. Alzheimers. This fear flies in the face of Scripture---where it states "Fear not", "Do not be afraid"....dozens of times in several different wordings.
So...the bottom line is again, trusting the Lord to meet my needs, and to give me experiences that will make me more into the person He wants me to be. Cancer is part of that plan. It's an in-my-face call to evaluate my life.
I am blessed to have so many wonderful people pulling for me and praying for me....dozens of them I have never met face to face. Some of them are in the midst of their own personal crisis---health or otherwise---but they still have reached out to me to offer words of love and encouragement. I've gotten Facebook posts of fellow Schipperke lovers that moved me to tears. The love of the Lord coming through His people...
Getting metastatic lung cancer and breast cancer at the same time is not what I had in mind for this time in my life. I had actually planned on returning to school for my doctorate. Frankly, pursuing a doctorate at this age would be narcissistic over-indulgence. Did I take my body for granted? I've always been active and healthy --- and now my physical abilities are greatly changed, reduced. It is with a new paradigm of my physical self that I approach this medical regimen.
I'm excited to attack this chapter of life. Yes--many things have changed and will continue to do so. Having cancer doesn't mean that I am going to die tomorrow. I have cancer...but I am NOT cancer. I live with cancer, but it isn't going to define who I am. The cancer cells hanging out in my body are no more ME than the cellulite on my legs.
I have been blessed with a wonderful husband and new life after years in a miserable, loveless marriage. In David I found someone who really understands what makes me tick, someone I love to do things with, go places with, talk with, pray with; I have a new family. I have been blessed with more in the last 3 years than I could ever have hoped for.
This is not just my journey, but also David's. He his a man of incredible strength and faith. He believes that the Lord is using this to do many things in our lives and in the lives of others. He believes he is the one meant to go through this with me. (Thank you Lord!) I asked the doctor if she thought I'd have a year left to live. I did NOT ask "How long have I got?". She's hopeful that I will be one of the people who go into remission. The breast cancer is a wild card. David and I have things to do!
I am left with the choice of how I will live day to day from here on out. I must look for joy and happiness every day. I must choose to be happy in spite of the changes. If I only have 13 or 60 months left to live, do I want to spend them depressed and miserable? Heck no!
I know that I will have boo-hoo moments, and depending on the side effects, may struggle. My life will never be what it was before. Period. The challenge is to find a new "normal" and live within that. I pray all the time that I get the lesson/message that the Lord wants me to. How can I / we use this for Him?
It's almost time to take the pill. "One hour before or two hours after eating." I join the ranks of several fellow Stage IV NSCLC patients taking Tarceva who I have "met" on the Inspire website support group. There are so many people there who generously share their experiences and encouragment with others who seek insight, reassurance and hope. I thank them.
Lord-- I would really rather not have to go through this --- but not my will, but Your will be done!
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