What you don't see

NOTE: not whining, but to say no one can tell what goes on in the body, mind and spirit of another. This is a continuation of the thoughts in "Everyday living".
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Skin so tight it hurts,
Lotion eases the tight wrinkles snd makeup almost hides the acne.
Blood. From where? The inside edges of my nostrils.
Bleeding.
My skin burns everywhere.
Red bumps and rash are coming everywhere.
It's rough like sandpaper: no lotion is enough.
It itches and itches.
I can't reach my back.
You'd never know if I didn't tell you.
The medicine that will lengthen my life has turned my skin to sandpaper.
I am alone
In this skin.

I awake from a decent night's sleep (unusual).
Aching muscles, aching joints.
Getting out of bed is like trying to swim through pudding.
Before my feet hit the floor, I remember. I have cancer that can't be cured.
Then the cough starts.

Why the cough? Reflux, anatomical changes, who knows? Who cares?
Typhoid Mary: out trying to shop and the damned coughing comes again.
Talking? Try it with vocal folds that have been beaten into what surely must be shreds.....
Coughing that causes the whole body to shudder and shake.
Coughing that wears a body out...only adding to the ever present fatigue...
Oh, Lord sometimes I feel so alone
With this cough and no voice.

I am always tired. Always. No amount of sleep fixes it.
How can anyone who looks so good be so tired? Nahhhhh....
You don't walk in my shoes, so you don't know what tired really is.

Is it any wonder that there are times when I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired?

Lord, I know you're there and you're working in my life.
I believe that all things work together for my good~~
And that I must keep my focus on you.

The psalmist writes that crying and sorrow will last for the night,
And joy comes in the morning.
Hold me tight as I close my eyes and take one step at a time,
And be ready to hold me up when I can't take one more step...

What next? Coming to grips with me as I am...

All in all I think I've done a pretty good job of coping with all the huge changes that have come into my life since April. I am, in many ways, a far different person now than I was then. The emotional and spiritual changes- all positive. The physical changes I am still dealing with.

This next section sounds like I'm whining. Maybe I am. I know there are people with far greater physical infirmities than I have...but I am coping with the hand I've been dealt. No, the Lord is not punishing me. I'm being pushed to change and to grow. I'm supposed to learn from all this. I know I have, but it has not and is not easy.

I'm not the first or only person around who suffers from fatigue; this is an age old problem with many causes. Not surprising in someone who isn't sleeping well.

I'll get it in my head to do something, and try to do it. I tried to do some weeding today. Sounds simple enough. Bending over causes bad reflux problems because of the way my heart, trachea and esophagus have shifted to the left since my surgery. It doesn't take long till I'm out of breath and just resting. The weeds don't care about my heavy breathing, or my coughing. I could do very little, even sitting on a rug scooting along. Simple tasks like laundry must be done in shifts. Do some, rest. Repeat. We've hired a lady to help with the big housecleaning because I just can't do it.

I would love to quit coughing. Not only has it toasted my voice, but it's exhauting. It wears me out. We're not talking about a little ladylike cough, I mean like I'm coughing up my toes. It's embarassing. It has made speaking incredibly difficult and talking on the phone almost impossible. It's a vicious cycle: coughing makes it hard to speak and speaking makes the cough worse. Not a good thing in a medical clinic. It's also made playing the harp in public impossible.

The shortness of breath can be significant. I frequently am very dizzy when I stand up.
I haven't even touched on the side effects of the medications, which are a delightful trip through goober-land on on their own.

Some days I feel like I'm just sitting here using up oxygen. I spent untold hours of study and devotion and the majority of my inheritance on my master's degree / Adult Nurse Practitioner. I've done an extra year's study in hepatology. Now--I'm unable to use that training. I want so desperately to go back to work, but do I have the stamina--emotional and physical? Will I get my voice back / cough control enough to make it possible?

Dear Lord,
You have given me everything and in such abundance, including the means to help people medically. There are physical issues that are preventing me from continuing that, and I'm feeling useless. Heal me enough Father, so that I may continue to serve You, or show me how I should otherwise serve. I don't want to miss your message or plan. I humbly ask this in the name of your precious Son Jesus...Amen